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07/05/99 12:26:30 AM

Stage dives and crowd surfing go hand in hand. You can't stage dive unless you crowd surf and vice versa. Many people cause harm to themselves and others because they don't realize that crowd surfing and stage diving require caution and skill. The first mistake that people make is not dressing properly. If you're going to be airborne, don't wear spiked clothes like old school punks or big-ass heavy boots like ya' momma. Second of all, if you're a heavy person, you may not want to be in the air unless there are considerable numbers of tall people in the audience to help hold your fat ass up.

Although a stage dive should take no longer than 5 seconds on the average, executing a stage dive is much more difficult than you think. Dealing with the crowd to get to the stage is a pain in the ass. Evading bouncers once you get on stage is an even bigger pain in the ass. And if you do make it to the stage, there's always that fifty percent chance that the crowd may not see you when you dive.

When you do get on stage, don't interrupt the band. Without music, the mosh pit cannot exist. Clumsy fools knock over mic stands, bump into guitars, and step on the monitors. Don't be a clumsy fool. Stupid fools hurl themselves off the stage and throw all their weight into the crowd. Don't be a stupid fool. As you land in the crowd, tense up momentarily in order to make yourself lighter. You'll be easier to catch. Dumb motherfuckers don't look before they dive and they break unsuspecting necks, land on crowd surfers, or bust their own heads open. Don't be a dumb-motherfucker. Look before you dive! I don't think I can handle another episode of C.HI.P.S or Quincy.

If you don't like to stage dive, crowd surfing without stage diving is easy if you use the "cop-ditch" method. Find two people who are taller than you, put a hand on each of their shoulders, then hoist yourself up just like you would to clear a tall fence when the cops are on your ass. This method ensures that two people, instead of one, can help you up. It also gives people around you the chance to react. Don't use the Granny-shot method. The Granny-shot method is when one person cups their hands to make a stool for someone who wants to go up. Usually, the fool that goes up, blindly falls backwards into the crowd. This could break somebody's neck or cause you to break your own. Once on top, relax and let the crowd carry you. It sucks to hold someone up while they flail their arms and kick their feet.