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10/03/99 09:12:15 PM

Don't be one of those people who always gets beat down in the pit. It's usually a drunk guy named Bob, who goes to shows with Chester. However, instead of looking to cop a feel he looks for fights. Bob always manages to fuck with the wrong guy. The wrong guy is usually a dude named Jerry who is also looking for fights. Jerry has a few things working in his favor. First of all, he hasn't had as many beers as Bob. Second of all, when Jerry goes to shows, he rolls deep with everyone of his friends and ninety-percent of his extended family. No one in Jerry's crew has more than three teeth and they all like to fight. The final result is that Bob gets a Boot-Party and catches a bad case of Foot-In-The-Ass.

The other prime candidates for mosh-pit ass whippings are "No-Means-No" guys. Basically these are Sensitive-Pony-Tail-Men who don't fear the pit as much as their similarly coifed brothers. A pony-tail is a signal to remotely interested females, that they understand that, "No means no," if given a chance. If No-Means-No isn't wearing a Dead Kennedy's T-shirt, he's proudly sporting the T-shirt of the band that's playing. Although he usually wears black jeans all year around, he may be wearing some short shorts and long tube socks pulled all the way up to his knees. Since most No-Means-No guys go to gigs knowing that there is a can of ass-whoop with a pony-tail on it, the knee-high tube socks are a security measure. It's difficult for people to beat up on somebody who wears knee-high socks and keep a straight face. At any rate, the only reason why No-Means-No gets beat down in the pit is because he whines too goddamn much and gets on everybody's nerves. The crowd could be asleep and No-Means-No would start whining and asking people to quit slamming so hard. If he's not whining about the crowd, he's whining about the band playing too loud. If he's not whining about the band playing too loud, he's whining about them drinking too much beer. If he's not whining about the band drinking too much beer, he's whining about them using the word "FUCK" between songs. His famous last words are, "don't say fuck, say making love." In this day and age, the Sensitive-Pony-Tail/ No-Means-No act is old. After a few songs, people get fed up with his bullshit and No-Means-No gets pimp-slapped.